Why Am I Still Single Over 40?

Insights From My Story & My Reasons

My biggest FLEX is my relationship with Jesus Christ. It is the source of the peace I enjoy and the anxieties I overcome. I’ve avoided a lot of relational drama in my life because I made an authentic relationship with Christ my priority from early adulthood — age 21 to be exact. Today, I heard this quote and I paraphrase…

“Who you are in this world reflects your relationship with God. So, if you haven’t learned how to stick it out with God. If you haven’t learned to be resilient with God. If you haven’t learned to let go and risks things — to allow God to complete the good work He’s started in you — then how do you expect yourself to fully do that in any other process or relational context?”

Good question. Shout out to the The Roommates Podcast & their guest Ladarius Campbell for sparking further thoughts. I want to piggy back on this train of thought.

Now before I proceed, I disclaim that this post is written, primarily, for a Christian audience. Although, I believe the insights are universal and applicable to any open-minded human interested in experiencing an optimized life and relational harmony. At the very least, it will serve to be thought provoking.

Basically, Mr. Campbell is asking if you can’t be faithful to your relationship with God — your Creator — the person that formed you and first knew you, then can we really expect to be faithful to someone? Or, something — like a vision for a business or legacy?

Generally, I agree relative to relationships. With no suspicion of deception or misrepresentation of character (i.e. mirroring), looking at one’s consistency and devotion to God is a good indicator of how well someone will or will not treat you. It’s part of my vetting criteria.

But life is complicated and nuanced. Embodying all the virtues Mr. Campbell described above, does NOT exempt one from relational failure.

For, one can only control their behavior. There is much testimony in the public domain of virtuous God-centered people discovering they married a fraud (someone mirrored a fake devotion to God to fool them). Or, they experience their partner, suddenly, walking out on them.

With these facts in mind, I imagine Mr. Campbell’s point would expand to include something like, because you had a solid foundation and identity rooted in Christ from the start, evidenced by your consistency with God, then your chances of bouncing back from relational injury (if it happened to you) would be greater. The grieving process would be more bearable.

On the other hand, there are many people who think they are in a thriving resilient, identity rooted, relationship with Christ and are not.

Instead, they are in a transactional relationship with God whereby they bring their to do and wish lists to Him while trying to “do good” so they can be blessed to manifest their wish list.

Consequently, their choices (relationships and otherwise) reveal them to be unintentional imposters of the faith they profess. For their professions prove them shallow echos of a counterfeit western Christian culture. And, their faith is exposed as being built on sinking sand instead of solid Rock.

In other words, these types are either socialized or trauma-bonded into the faith. Post-modern, self-centered, and seeker-friendly Gospel culture is the usual gateway rather than the Scriptures and an authentic encounter with Jesus Christ that bears fruit in keeping with demonstrative repentance.

And, it is these socialized Christians who find themselves, often, dissatisfied with their life and relationship hopping — as Mr. Campbell’s insights suggested.

Regardless, hindsight is always 20/20 — ain’t it? When we are making a decision on the front end — we are, often, convinced it’s the right one. Then, once all in or on the other side of the relationship, we discover the truth. We made a huge mistake. It was a poor or premature choice. It was a desperate choice. It was an ego and vanity driven choice. It was an impatient fear driven let me settle choice. You know the, I’m aging and I have _______ number of kids so I better not be too picky because this is the best I can do at this point in my life choice.

My Story

Just last week I was asked a recurring question. It’s the elephant in the room of my life. A happily married man — a former coworker I was catching up with — asked it. You know the question.

Bewildered but with palatable hope for me, he asked via text — and I quote,

“Personal question. WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE!?!?! You are smart, beautiful, and wholesome…it doesn’t add up.”

I replied. I’m NOT gay. He asked, “are you sure?” We laughed. Then, I elaborated — over a series of texts — the following:

“I have two theories why I’m STILL single. An earthly theory and a thirty-thousand feet level spiritual theory.”

The natural earthly theory.

I don’t know, exactly, why I’m still single. If I really cared to know and wanted to be fair, then I and the people (who are pressed to know why I’m still single) would have to track down the guys who dated me to schedule a retrospective and ask them why they did not propose to me. But that juice is not worth the squeeze since they and I have so moved on.

Although, I do have suspicions. And with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, here are a few natural reasons why I suspect I’m STILL single .

1. We were just NOT compatible.
2. To date, the few men who have approached me have demonstrated, in their conversation and lifestyle choices, that they did not fear God much or at all. And they demonstrated they lacked courage as in they proved followers instead of leaders.
3. Or they did fear God, but demonstrated they were just not that into me.
4. I’m not my best self. The past five years I’ve been busy trying to become what I desire in a mate. For to my chagrin, I learned I was NOT the catch I thought I was in my own mind. So I needed to finish what I started (e.g., Summa Cum Laude graduate 2022), paying off debt (only 1 left), building an emergency fund, etc. God allowed circumstances, relational conflicts, challenges, disappointments, to be a mirror to show me — me. What did I see? Mindset and blind spots that made me weep and wail. Thankfully, a product of my introvert personality is patience. Patience allowed God ample time to expose and remedy a lot of these vexations in my soul, privately, so they would not, prematurely, reward me with a counterfeit relationship doomed to fail. So that my flaws and deficits would not end up injuring a worthy partner.
5. My location + my personality. I’m an extraordinary introvert. Generally, I love to stay my butt in the house. I enjoy people, yes. I, especially, love to dance and collaborate on business ideas with people. But I’m allergic to a lot of people and superficial small talk. While I can do small talk and do enjoy the good energy of others, I, equally, enjoy being alone. I suspect more than normal. Also, to my chagrin, I’ve not been very intentional to put my best feminine assets on display to position myself to be noticed and more pursued. :) For, I’ve been afraid of what I’d attract with that strategy. Felt that juice would, also, not be worth the squeeze or the drama. In other words, I’ve neglected to be, consistently, social enough to be attractive.
6. I’m a practicing Christian — like for decades. You heard the stereotype Beyonce is echoing to the world about “Church Girls.” So, this fact of my life decreases the pool of men for me. We are either frauds and closet freaks — or, boring prudes since our standard is to not be sexual with anyone before marriage. Men (and women) in today’s culture call abstinence till marriage antiquated and unrealistic. I call it smart emotional and medical risk management.
7. I’m politically conservative. This fact makes me very unattractive to many Black American men — especially, in this current polarized political climate. Although, I’m very open to dating outside my race and why I am changing my location soon — now that my responsibility to my family has been fulfilled.

Which leads to the 30,000 feet spiritual theory. I believe it trumps and explains all the above.

Unbeknownst to me, I had a huge assignment planned for me between 2016–2021. That assignment was to care for three special core family members, pictured below. My mother (right age 70). My auntie (left age 72) and my cousin-brother (my auntie’s son age 44).

They all died within five months of each other in 2021 — not COVID related. My mom died in July. My dad (did not grow with him) died in September. My auntie died on November 10, 2021 and her son, died 11 days after her on November 21, 2021.

The details of this heavy spiritual boot-camp experience will be in a forth coming book, tentatively, titled, “Contact Without Contamination. How to Love Broken People Without Harming Yourself.”

But now that all that smoke has cleared, I’m, thoroughly, convinced that my family had a toxic relational dysfunction that only I was anointed and appointed to tolerate and love them through (i.e. contact without contamination with clear boundaries).

God knew this and my emotional deficits.

See, I’m already walking with an emotional limp from not experiencing the love, protection and provider-ship of a father. God, my dad, and I worked through that wound. But, there was still a deficit from lacking that formative fatherly experience I had to learn to manage in a way that would not injure others.

On top of that father deficit, growing up with a mother who abused alcohol created more emotional deficit that I’ve had to learn to manage so as to not injure others.

She was, emotionally, neutered and unavailable from relational rejections and other traumas she suffered but never, sufficiently, acknowledged — forget the wisdom to even address and heal.

Therefore God, from the 30,000 feet level, knew what I could and could not handle, emotionally, over these single years. A marriage, on top of managing my emotional deficits, plus fulfilling my assignment to my beloved ones would have been too much for me.

Especially, if I chose the wrong partner — which I almost did, three times. Based on who I was (see #3), and who those guys were in character then, I’m 99% sure, they would have bailed on me or me on them.

I would have been an emotional wreck from a marital discord and, likely, unable to focus as well as I did on my assignment. Think about. Me in a marriage to one of those guys, while having to endure the emotional injuries from the deceased I was serving, while managing inner-personal deficits so I would not lose composure, retaliate, or go AWOL on my family from the mission. Then, being expected to satisfactorily meet the needs of a husband. It’s emotionally exhausting just thinking about the hypothetical.

Thankfully, by the time I returned home in 2016 to assume the role of caregiver — the lion share of father deficits were addressed and healed. But I needed to face my mother wounds. I believe facing these feelings were a part of the care giving assignment. In hindsight, God wanted to harvest some fresh spiritual fruit in me.

Fruit, that I would need to take into my future. A future that these beloved family members could not go into with me. And to get new fruit, He had to break up fresh ground in me and it’s been very painful. I’ve been shown new areas of weakness and impurity.

I had long forgiven my dad for his absence. He made things right with me as much as he was able years prior to his death. His efforts from my teen years to his death were good enough for me. When I lost him, I lost my friend.

But, I had to forgive my mom. And, God set up the past five years to accomplish this. He had to totally reorient my heart toward her. I walked back into my childhood home in 2016, indifferent toward my mother — emotionally.

By the time she died five years later, I was endeared to her (flaws, saucy mouth, and all). She became my “baby cakes.”

Note my mother NEVER changed, by the way. She always did her — being a selfish, feisty, spit fire. Addiction makes you repulsively selfish. Neither did my other family member’s mindset change much. But, I changed.

For God’s mercy was the main lesson from this Holy assignment. Finally, I stopped, quietly self-righteously, judging them. And just made up my mind to be GOOD TO THEM even when they were not good to me.

There were times I had to pipe up and stand my ground, though. A few times, I matched energy, got out of character, and had to circle back to ask forgiveness from them and God.

But most times, I had supernatural capacity to absorb their injuries and take my grievances about them to God in secret prayer on some, forgive them Father for they know not what they do. Don’t hold this sin against them.

I had to remind myself this was a special assignment designed for me, my spiritual growth, and their well-being in their last days. Although, I was not expecting all of them to depart so soon. I was mentally prepared to bear with them for more than just five years. For, each day it became more clear why I was back home. It was all about God’s mercy to them.

God was using me to be HIS mercy to my family — when they needed it the most. No one else would have been as thorough as me to see to their best care. God ensured they would NOT suffer long or be without an advocate. Without attentive and loving oversight.

I know what you are thinking

I hear somebody saying, Girl. If you had the right partner, they would have made your life easier. They could have supported you through and helped you bear that family burden.

And to that I say, absolutely. You are right.

The only problem is, I’m not in total control of when I get a partner.

All I can do is show up everyday, be myself, and hope someone has eyes to see me and pursue a marriage with me — assuming mutual interest.

All those natural reasons named above are, indeed, factors contributing to my current singleness. That is to the naked nonspiritual eye.

But none of them could prevent God from overruling all of them and sending me the perfect partner in my 20s or 30s — to help me bear my family burden — if that was part of His plan.

The story could be how God sent me a husband in my 30s. And by 2016, hubby was there to help me carry my family burden and happily ever after that event.

Or, my story could be the opposite. I had a hellish marriage in the midst of care giving for my family. It could end in me testifying that I had to plan three funerals and is on the verge of divorce and nervous breakdown. Who can really say?

The point, here, is my singleness story is rooted in God and something called predestination.

I believe life is, mysteriously, predestined. Consequently, I believe my season of singleness has been predestined. And because I’ve not, yet, met a husband, I must conclude marriage has not been God’s leading priority for me. Thus, why there was no supportive husband in my story.

The spiritual fruit He wanted to get from this assignment with my family and what He wanted to deposit in my family members through me was the top priority — not my personal happiness or desire to be a wife and mom.

In addition, God’s wisdom was protecting me from further emotional injury while protecting my future husband from adding emotional injury and the stress of my family burden and toxic dynamic to his life.

I can’t explain it. This mystery is way above my pay grade to adequately articulate. But God and I know — deep in my knower.

I have no time time to give you all the details I’m leaving out that makes this conclusion so sure for me.

But I understood the assignment. I completed it. It blessed me. And, I really believe this assignment is the leading reason, why I’ve been single for so long. This is the lonnnnng answer to this recurring question in my life.

The bright side for me is I believe going through this assignment has positioned me for lasting personal and relational happiness and will make me the bomb wife. How?

I’ve been trained on how to live well with people who didn’t have capacity to reciprocate my love in the way I gave it. So, how well will I live with and love a husband who pursues me to love?

Conclusion

If I believe God controls all aspects of my life and sets up scenarios for my spiritual growth, then I have to conclude marriage has not, yet, been the experience He thought I needed. In other words, it’s just not been my turn.

Next post I have a message to the manosphere narrative about single women my age. Stay tuned. In the meantime, what say you to my singleness experience and perspective? Sound familiar? Know anyone who can relate? Can you relate? If so, share it and subscribe to my personal platform so I won’t become a slave to these censoring platforms. Then, follow me on IG @clarityspeakz . Thank you!

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